OK, so I'm pretty sure this was a George Carlin thing (sure sounds like him), but I can relate...
People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is buddy, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". What good is a cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?
When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why in the world would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?
When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No, moron, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?
When something is "new and improved", which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it.
When people say "Life is short." What the...?? Life is the longest friggin' thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?
When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came, I would not be standing here, genius!
People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya', buddy?