Wednesday, June 07, 2006

This...Sucks...

OK, seriously, I would make the worst monastic in the world. Wanna know why?

Seriously, it shouldn't come as a surprise to any of you once I actually tell you, seeing as how I'm deeply involved in both the blogosphere and an online discussion forum...

All right, here it is, my confession...

...I am a community junkie. That, and I've always been addicted to physical contact...not even actual touch would be necessary, just the presence of another person in the same building with me. Church, dinner at aunt and uncle's house, coffee today with Nick (Fr.'s son and the choir director @ church), the new gig I've got for the next month (may God grant) with the school district--all this contact with people has been a lifeline. 'Cause I gotta tell ya', I come home here, and it's quiet. And empty. And icons are precious little companionship. So AIM and blogs and theological discussions online ensue as an "out," some kind of contact to fill the silence.

A silence which falls back on me as soon as the PC shuts down. And it's a silence which, I know, would speak volumes to me about the hollowness of my heart and my need for God to fill it if I'd stop and listen, but...I really don't want to. As should be obvious.

"The Word became flesh and dwelt among us..." Sure would be nice to lean up against the holy flesh of the Lord right now...then again...would it burn? With joy? Or aching longing?
Did You ever know loneliness
Did You ever know need
Do You remember just how long a night can get?
When You were barely holding on
And Your friends fall asleep
And don't see the blood that's running in Your sweat

*****

And I know you bore our sorrows
And I know you feel our pain
And I know it would not hurt any less
Even if it could be explained

And I know that I am only lashing out
At the One who loves me most

*****

I can't see how You're leading me unless You've led me here
Where I'm lost enough to let myself be led
And so You've been here all along I guess
It's just Your ways and You are just plain hard to get

~~ Rich Mullins

4 comments:

Philippa said...

I've come to the realization that though I always thought I was an extrovert, I'm not. I am clearly an introvert. Though I do love reading my blogs and posting on them.

-Benjamin said...

I often face the same conumdrum. At times I think that we are called to abstain from this mess, an internet fast of sorts. Man has the capacity to turn all good things into addictions.

Ian said...

I've been pondering this ever since you posted it: and I'm still unsure of my answer or whether what I'm about to post makes sense.

I love time on my own, love it: but I also thrive, and need, time with others: be it virtually or in person. Similar to Philippa, though reversing it, I tend to always think of myself as an introvert: as I like time on my own. However, most people see me as an extrovert. I often feel a calling to the monastic life: but I wonder how serious it is as I doubt I could last a week without reading blogs or listening to the radio. As Benjamin wrote, they can become addictions. Lord, have mercy.

Margi said...

I never feel alone in a room with an icon in it. Yet, I know what you mean about turning off the computer, not quite in the same way, but sometimes I do get a queer feeling about it. It's my "world window" and without it I'd be a recluse, not the spiritually healthy kind though, just on the fast-track to being a crazy old bat.